Sigh, where do I even begin...
Ladies and gents we all have a list or criteria of what we "want" in a significant other. She has to know how to cook, he needs to have a job and a car, she needs to have good credit, he needs to be goal-oriented, I need her to be independent, and the list goes on.
The real checklist that needs to be made is do you possess any of those traits you are looking for in someone else?
Perception is key. In the book The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen R. Covey, he makes such a great example about the personality ethic. He explains that a new level of thinking would be an inside-out approach as opposed to outside-in.
He states that we need a new, deeper level of thinking. It is a principle-centered, character-based, inside-out approach for personal and interpersonal effectiveness.
It means to first start with yourself before making any "lists." Look towards the inner most part of yourself where your character and motives are. It will enable you to see things differently.
If you want to have a successful relationship, you have to be the kind of person who generates positive energy and overcomes negativity rather than empowering it. If you want to have a checklist of traits you are seeking in someone else, you must first become it.
It celebrates private victory, allowing you to make promises to yourself before making them to someone else.
The result of creating a list of traits first, creates the outside-in paradigm. It will create an unhappy, victimized, and immobile individual. Someone who feels stuck and stagnant. It brings out the weak person who creates excuses for people who do not meet their "needs." When in reality they are the problem.
They allowed a person who met the needs of their "list" come into their life before reevaluating themselves. Everything was so perfect in the beginning until the dust settled and the real them began to show. Their values and morals did not match what you sought after in your "list." So now what? Change them?
No, you need have an inside-out approach and ask yourself what is important to you. Understand YOUR needs and then try to understand there's. Not the other way around. Your morals and values come first because they are the things that make you who you are.
If you feel the need to create a list, make it a personal one about you. What are your pet peeves, what makes you happy, what is your love language, how do you receive love, what is your favorite quality in your best friend? Get to know yourself before making a huge drastic list of supernatural things that you can find in anyone.
Get your copy of Stephen Covey's book The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People here!
Share this post with someone who needs to stop creating lists to paint the perfect picture of their ideal partner #LoveYourselfFirst
Okay fellas we get it, we're annoying. We know that all you wanted to do was have fun and not have a "title." But guess what, we want to know what this is that we're doing. Another day shall not come until we have this here conversation.
Ladies, here are 5 things you need to say during the what are we convo.
1. What are we?
This is for the ladies who do not have a filter and want to know straight out the gate what is this? You've been dating for about a year, you still haven't met the family, and you feel like you're being hidden. Just simply ask, what are we? Be mindful of timing. Don't ask this question after an argument or after you saw that he posted a picture of his female best friend on Instagram. Don't be petty about it.
2. I need transparency.
A lot of people think that being in a relationship or dating is irrelevant and the only thing that is important is the "ring," or marriage. No one realizes that there will be no "ring" or marriage if you do not have transparency during the dating stage. If you are being hesitant to call someone your girlfriend how will you be confident to call them your wife? You need to tell him that you need to know where the relationship is going and set goals for the next step if that is what you want.
3. I feel like I'm wasting my time.
This is a bit drastic and can come off like you're being the victim. Rule number one in asking what are we is to be confident within yourself first. If you know what you want in a husband and you feel like you are not getting those traits from your significant other, then you need to move on. Some guys date with the intention of just having fun. Don't fall victim to someone like that if you were expecting more to come from it. Don't end up on the #wastemytime2016 meme.
4. What are your expectations for this relationship?
One thing I've learned about men is that they are very sensitive creatures and they know what they want early on. You can usually tell what a man's expectations are from the start. So if you have to ask this question one year in, then something isn't right.
5. I want you
Are you being transparent? Women wear their heart on their sleeves and believe that it tends to get broken all the time from saying things like "I want you," or "I really like you." The funny thing is, men prefer this. Be transparent and don't be afraid to say how you feel. If they don't feel the same way then they are not the one.
The what are we conversation is so awkward. You don't want to come off like you are putting pressure on him or like you are forcing him to make things official. In my opinion, if you have to ask this question then you should already know what the answer will be....
Comment below with your thoughts about the what are we conversation do you think it is necessary to have?
Yes I got your attention! One of my pet peeves is when I see someone (man or woman) settling for a person that does not meet their standards. A person that is “less” than you does not mean you are better than them. It simply means that they do not live UP to the values and morals that you believe in. Your values and morals are up high because they are important to you. So if the person does not meet them, they are less than you. This is also known as settling.
Here’s an example. I have a friend who is very goal-driven and hardworking. Her boyfriend has no goals. She believes that because he is young and is going through a phase, he will eventually get it together. She buys him books on setting goals, encourages him that he is capable to achieve anything, and she even leads by example by accomplishing her own goals.
Now let’s fast forward 3 years. Do you guys think he became goal oriented? He didn’t. He is still living in his comfort zone.
One thing I’ve learned from experience is that YOU cannot change people. Even if you hold their hand and change their diaper, they still have to want it for themselves first. A lot of people think that they have the power to change their significant other. You can’t.
A person can be inspired and influenced by someone but they have to mentally see the change for themselves. Not to impress you, not to keep you from leaving them, and not to make you happy.
When you date “less” than you, you are downgrading your own progress in life. I appreciate the people who believe that they can help and guide the person they are dating or in a relationship with. They don’t realize that they should be exerting that same amount of energy into their own growth.
One quote I like to live by is “Love you, and be loved.” You attract the company you keep. If you settle for someone who does not meet your morals and values you are settling. You set the standard for the people you want in your life. Unleash yourself from the people who need their own personal development, or guidance. The journey towards becoming a more confident you, starts with reevaluating the people around you...
Soooo you guys spent NYE separately... What does that mean?
Some women believe that "dating" is the same as being in a relationship. However there is said to be a big difference between the two. Some women are fearful to ask the "what are we?" question so we interviewed 50 men and asked them what defines being in a relationship vs. dating.
Here were some of their responses.
The age group responses were mostly between the ages of 26-30
What is your definition of "dating?"
Anonymous Respondent: Getting to know someone
Anonymous Respondent: Courting someone in the hopes of getting to know someone better or smashing
Anonymous Respondent: Period of mutual time spending, getting to know one another and spending time with one you're interested romantically
Anonymous Respondent: Consistently going out with another person to better understand them and possibly consider forming a relationship with them.
Anonymous Respondent: Getting to know a person, and deciding to pursue them with a future
What is your definition of being in a relationship?
Anonymous Respondent: Unconditional love
Anonymous Respondent: Committing yourself to someone
Anonymous Respondent: Being exclusive to the one that you are "dating"
Anonymous Respondent: Creating a bond of trust and support with a significant other.
Anonymous Respondent: Pursuing a future which includes marriage with no hesitation
Do you think it is necessary to ask a woman to be your girlfriend in order for the relationship to be deemed "official?"
Most of the men I interviewed between the ages of 26-30 stated that it was not necessary to ask a woman to be your girlfriend. They said that it is usually an automatic thing and it is assumed that they are "official." They also said that broadcasting it isn't needed if both parties have already discussed what it is they are doing. It's not necessary to make a huge proposal announcement to make the relationship official. Men between the ages of 20-25 stated that it is necessary to ask a woman to be your girlfriend in order for it to be "official." I noticed that the younger the guy, the more they said that it was necessary. Men closer to the age of 30 do not feel the need to do a proposed "ask."
My theory is that men closer to 30 are thinking about someone they want to potentially marry and asking someone to be their girlfriend is a big deal. They feel extra committed. They don't want to keep being in random relationships. They know what they want, and they take their time to get to know the person they are dating. Men between the ages of 20-25 are still having fun. Asking a woman to be their girlfriend is equivalent to passing a note in class and circling yes or no. They are coming from the high school and college phase with the mindset that asking a woman to be their girlfriend is not that big of a deal. They see it as, we are going to have fun together, get to know one another, and grow mentally.
How many dates do you need to go on before solidifying that you are in a relationship?
This question obviously varies depending on the person. I wanted to ask this question to get a rough number of dates it takes to move to the next step. It will definitely vary on the connection and the energy between both parties. But in reality how many dates are you going to go on to really know if you want to take it to the next level. Between 4-8 seems reasonable to know if you like the person or not and if you even want to continue to go out with them.
The survey results were very interesting to me. I think it is important to have transparency when you are in a relationship. A lot of women just skate along in relationships without knowing if it will lead to anything just because they don't want to be alone. They'll also just date guys for years without knowing if they are official or not. It is important to have that conversation when you feel like "dating" is becoming more than that. Don't assume. Ask questions. Ask for transparency. Being in a relationship does not have to be a broadcast message, however it does need to be a conversation in order for growth to take place.
I'm curious to know what your definition of dating and being in a relationship is. Leave a comment below, let's discuss!